Self-doubt is setting in. Panic is on the horizon. How the heck am I going to make this work? How will I keep afloat financially? I have two freelance payments due to me that should arrive next week. I will begin to collect partial Unemployment Compensation next week as well. But beyond there are no immediately paying jobs lined up. There is no guarantee that we will be able to pay all our bills this month. And don’t even ask me how we’ll manage the expenses of Christmas.
This has been my mindset for the past four days as I made withdrawal after withdrawal from my checking account and our joint account. All feelings of financial security (strong or not) have vanished. Compromises must be made but there does not seem to be any room for them. I feel scared. So does my husband, multiplied by ten.
Yet there are possibilities out there, there are opportunities to bring cash in. Here sits my website, collecting dust as it naps away. A completely viable avenue for selling my work directly to an audience, unused; wasted. I fear the work involved to make something profitable happen. I am scared of the unknown complications of receiving orders, billing and shipping. It is overwhelming because I don’t already know how to do it.
That has always been the way for me, even in grade school. I remember crying over Math, being completely overwhelmed by it. Reading, writing and drawing came so naturally to me. Math did not. Timestables, long division, conceptual problems and algebra–if I didn’t already know how to do it, and do it well, then I was never going to get it. Remember that Muppet on Sesame Street, the one that played the piano? I think his name was Don Music. He’d start a song and then get stuck. He’d need a rhyme but he couldn’t think of any. He would insert wrong word after wrong unrhyming word. Then in dramatic fashion he would exclaim into the sky, “Ohh I’ll never get it! I’ll never get it! OOOOHHHHH!!!!” and slam his head onto the piano keys *DOINGGGGG*. That is totally me.
Not knowing what to do next paralyzes me, physically and emotionally. I freak out–internally, mostly. Those moments when I just simply CAN NOT DRAW have a similar effect.
Then I remember a tune that Mr. Rogers used to sing. Yeah, I watched a lot of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and I remember a LOT of the songs. And the one that comes to mind in these situations goes something like this,
I like to take my time, you see
When I want to do a thing
I like to take my time and do it right.
I mean I just might make mistakes
If I should have to hurry up
And so I take my time to do it right.
This song often pops up when I’m being rushed to do just about anything, which happens very often when you live by deadlines. It also happens when I am getting ready to go out somewhere. If I rush I make horrible mistakes. I am not a good rusher. My husband is. Many are. I am not. I am much more effective at a turtle’s pace. And when I take my time and do it right–it is gawddamn right ON! Isn’t it worth the wait?
That said, updating my site the right way might take some time. This puts me in panic mode. Because I need to supplement my new thinner income. Quickly.
I am going to mentally work on a shortcut plan that will allow me to start selling things sooner than later. It makes no sense to let the biggest shopping season of the year pass right by.
